Love, Trials, and Dreams
by MentalSeimei
Summary: Hello. My name is Kairi. I am 15 years old and misunderstood. This is a story of my life as a lesbian girl that tries to understand her world more. YURI KairiXNamine rated M for sex.. lesbian sex...:D
1. One Sided Love

**Story 1: A One Sided Love**

Hello. My name is Kairi. I am 15 years old and misunderstood. People might call me a slut because my sex records are off the charts, and yet I still seem normal to people. People like me, I have no idea why. I'm weird and sometimes a bitch. Yet, when my friends need advice or a honest ear, I am there for them.

I want so desperately to leave my past. I know it makes me a coward, but I am not happy. So far my life is very tragic and rough. Yet, I still can find oh-some little joy that I can make me contented.

And no matter how many sex partners I have, one is the most that floods through my mind. Here is my story...

My first love was a boy, cute boy, with spikey brown hair. His name is Sora. Some say that it isn't love when your in the first grade, but hell, it felt like it. We used to sneak around and fool around. Until that day when he left. No good-bye, no trace of him what-so-ever. Like he vanished into thin air. But no matter what, it seems I am bound to wait for him.

My next love, I mean, true love was in the 6th grade. I mean, it felt like true love even if she didn't feel that way. Yes a _she._Her name, I'll remember it forever. Namine. When I first saw her at C.E.S I thought I saw a goddess in disguise. Immediately, I made her my best friend. She was new around here at Destiny Islands, so I showed her around. After that day of September 26th, we became inseperable. I pretended to like boys because she did, considering my past with boys.

We wrote love letters to them even though I wanted to give mine to Namine.We used to go to the near by library and used the computers to chat online. One friday in November, I stayed the night at her house. Her mom and grandpa was out doing drugs so we sat and watched TV. I felt her stare at me every now and then, until finally she called my name.

"Kairi?"

I turned my head and felt her warm lips against my own wanting lips. She pulled back and blushed.

"I'm sorry, I j-just wanted to try it." She stammered.

At that moment, I had my chance to claim her, even if she never truly loved me.

"Namine," I spoke and put my hands on the sides of her face. I had my moment, my chance and I took it. I pulled her face to mine and kissed her. Oh how I dreamt of those soft pale pink lips against my own. Oh how I wanted to grab her gently and sucumb to her every need. To caress her pinkish pale nipple with my warm tongue and slide my middle finger into her hot tight pussy. I wanted to hear her whisper my name when I fucked her brains out.

But, it was new. I didn't want to go to fast. Making out was our only option at this point. I wasn't really sure if it was love or lust, all I know was I wanted her.

Everyday, anytime we could, we went to the library and fooled around. That was our sanctuary, even though it was public. Anywhere it was private, we kissed and fondled one another. Everytime we kissed it was the same vibe from her, a sensual vibe, one that needed me.

A couple weeks later, one special friday night, my sister Rikku was gone and my parents were asleep upstairs, and I invited her over. We slept downstairs on my sisters bed and messed around, but this time it was a little different. Her body begged for me, like a one night stand wanting to repeat every night. Her blue eyes looked up at mine asking my permission to fuck her with no regret.

I nodded at her and flipped her over. I started kissing her at her mouth, then traveled down to her neck, sucking and pricking it until she begged for more.

Her begging filled me with want. Torture is what I loved to do. She called me a string of names like 'sadist' and 'masochist' and that only turned me on more.

I went to her right breast and played with her nipple with my tongue. My hand slowly traveled down her thin stomach to her vagina. I lifted my index finger and placed it on her clit. She moaned a little as I rubbed her and sucked on her.

I kept my eyes open and watched her drown in pleasure. I transitioned over to the other breast, but kept my hand in that place, rubbing her.

She finally couldn't have enough of it. "Move lower!" She moaned.

I slowly and seductivly moved lower down her lightly coated sweat frame down to her juicy pussy. I stuck out my tongue and put it to her clit and licked her. She moaned a little louder, "Kairi!"

I closed my eyes and sucked and licked her. I could tell she was in a pleasureable trance. Her hands, tangled deep in my hair pulling and rubbing. That pain was my pleasure.

I lifted my hand and inserted my digits into her hot pussy. I continued to suck and lick while fingering her. She moaned louder.

"More!" She cried out to me. I was giving her all I could but it wasn't enough. So I pulled out my chest and took out the dildo.

It was blue and green and went with the strap on. It was around 8 inches long, 2 inches longer than a normal penis. I put on the strap on and laid on my back. She hurridly got up and postioned herself on it.

She adjusted to it and pounced on it. I held her in place watching her boobs bounce up and down with her. I watched her facial expression the whole time. Her eyes were closed, but her eyebrows and mouth told the same story. Pleasure.

Her frame, her lips, her pussy, I had it all whenever I could.

She continued until her orgasm exploded. She stopped and got off it. The juices of her orgasm was still on it. I got up to got get a towel to clean it off, but she stopped me.

"I want our cunt to blend."

I nodded at her and took it off. I handed it to her and laid down. She spreaded my legs and started to eat me. I felt so good, nothing like what I've experiment before. I moaned, filled with euphoria.

She stopped when I was ready. She positioned herself between my legs and entered me. "Ah!" I screamed, my pussy was filled with a hard, thick dildo and it felt so good! She stayed there until I adjusted to it and I beckoned her to move. She nodded and started moving slowly.

"Oh, un, ahh!" I moaned. It drove her crazy. She kept her hands on my hips as she pounded into me. I felt it, my orgasm built up inside me. My moaning went louder and from 'ohs' to 'fuck' and 'harder' she did as she was told and went faster and harder. My mind was everywhere. I couldn't even think straight.

Sweat started building on both of our bodies. Oh, but I wasn't done. She kept going, but I wanted to change positions. I hopped on it and finished.

I felt my orgasm explode through my body as I fell next to her. Persperation coated our bodies and fell down our faces. This felt a lot like like love. At least, I thought.

After that, we fucked many times. But this was special to me. I never knew if it was love or a 7 month fling. In March, she told me she was leaving for Christmas Town to live with her dad.

I watched as she got on the Silver Dauchund bus and leave. Christmas Town is 550 miles away. I cried for a while after watching her leave. I don't think I am ever truely get over it.

It has been three years since I have seen her or heard her, and I don't think I will ever again. Even though I loved her, she didn't love me the way I loved her. But no matter who I'm with or what I do with other people, she is the one I could always see myself with. Thats a sad thing on this one sided love.

_This story is based off my life... I used to be a full out lesbian. I changed a lot!_

_If you want to chat with me more, about my stories, any of them, what it was like being a lesbian, or just to say hi, please note me on deviantart.. the link is on my homepage. _

_ Dre-ChanChie _


	2. The One That Got Away But Never Left

**Story 2: The One That Got Away But Never Left**

Hello, My name is Kairi. I am 15 years old and completely misunderstood. From my past, I try to keep people at bay. Never really showing the true color of my eyes. Only to some people, I show the true color of my eyes. Like one special girl who captured my attention, and completely stolen my heart.

While writing my stories, on of my admirers and watchers started talking to me. From the moment we started talking, she felt like a kind of girl I can trust. About 2 months later realization hit me. I started to develop feelings for this girl.

Her name: Olette

I don't exactly remember when I started to feel this way, or when I stopped these feelings from trying to take me over, all I remember is she mostly popped in my head whenever I got bored or even when I wasn't thinking at all. In class, I'd find myself starting at random objects and seeing her beautiful face. I am not stalker-ish, I just couldn't help the way I felt about her.

A while after figuring out that her and I may never be together, I cried badly and cast aside all those feelings of her and placed them in a bottle where they laid buried deep within me. I only saw her as my very best friend, and thats all I thought of her.

As the months went on, I dated other people. Like a guy named Raz. He and I were just friends with benefits, until he wanted to ruin everything we had going by asking me to be his girlfriend. Just because he wanted to look at my boobs.

Being the hopelessly pathetic loser I am, I told him yes. After the roller coaster of a relationship, we just became friends, though he still wanted to make out with me. And I told him no, not ever again.

Still till now we are just friends.

After a few months and starting a newer fanfiction that is yuri oriented, I met another guy. At first, I thought he was weird and creepy. I didn't really want to talk to him. After a while I added him to my MSN and we chatted more. The more we talked I kinda got used to him. He grew on me, like a wart.

Then I called him 'some dude' now I call him 'nii-san'.

His name: Riku

He had many girl problems just like me, and though I gave him pretty good advice he never took it and now the girl he liked isn't even friends with him anymore. He told me he felt pathetic, so I reassured him any girl would be lucky to have a guy like him.

He's smart, funny, random, and, dare I say it, handsome.

Now that I think of it, the reason I probably kept him close is because we are alike. He and I, we are hopeless romantics. Even though he thinks he may never find a girl that can return his feelings, I know he will find his true happiness. As he deserves it too, every once he can get.

Though I am a hopeless romantic, I know my place is to be the 'avatar' in a sense. I am one of those people who holds the power to make someone's, other than myself, day happy when its melancholy.

Though I can get people to fall in love and make others happy, I wasn't born with a choice. My only option is to give up my happiness for everyone else's. One night I laid in my bed and thought about it and I weighed mine against those, in the end I chose everyone elses because I am only one person, who cares when there are millions more out there who deserve it more than I.

For a while, I just stopped looking for a girl and focused on my school work and daily home lives. And getting better from my accident. And It was like that for a month or two.

One day, I just wanted to roam around on Gaia, so I logged onto towns and sat waiting for someone to talk. And one person did answer my complete silence. We talked and we had a lot in common.

We talked in private and it was all great and I added her to my yahoo messenger list. After about a few days, she asked me if I wanted to be hers, and I was so happy for the first time in a long while for myself I accepted. I even gave her, her own special name. Hoishii.

She told me she caught herself writing my name on her pants and thought she fell for me. I was so flustered and happy, I was blinded by a truer reality. I have never seen her face, I haven't heard her voice. Exactly who was I dreaming of?

When I started to ask her, she told me she had to go on vacation. And so she did and she promised me she would try to talk to me. I knew it wouldn't happen though. Even till now, one and a half months later she still hasn't said one word to me. But thats fine, when she does, we'll be just friends.

But she's not the one that I considered the one who got away. The one I am getting to is Olette. When I told her about Hoishii she told me she was jealous. After getting it out of her, she told me she might've had feelings for me.

When she told me, those feelings I buried deep within me resurfaced. I couldn't choose. I wanted them both.

In the end, I chose I wanted Olette. At least with her I knew her face, I knew her voice, I knew we were perfect. The only problem was, I was a wimp. I was afraid of her saying, 'I don't want to ruin our friendship'

Thats the main line that makes people afraid of starting something. And I totally agreed so I didn't pursue it much. I just talked to her like we used to, hiding my true feelings. Then we didn't talk for 1-2 weeks.

When we did get back in contact, after I got a new cell phone, I promised myself I wouldn't back out and I would make her mine! I told myself not to be a wimp! And I didn't

I texted her and she texted me back. I was going to tell her when she said, "Guess what! "

I asked her "What?"

She replied the four words I never wanted to hear from her lips "I have a boyfriend."

As soon as she told me, as soon as I read those words, my heart stopped and fell into the pit of my stomach, where then the acid dissolved it. My brain told me to yell at her and hate her, but the remains of my heart whispered, be happy for her. _You told her yourself, no matter who she ends up loving, whether it'd be you or someone else, you will be happy that she will find happiness. As long as she is happy, you are, and that's all that matters._

Instead of telling her how I felt, I told her I am happy for you. But not in the way I usually respond. And she knew it too. I reassured her I was fine. But really, I was truly happy for her. That's how mature people handle these things right?

Though I told everyone I was fine, I plunged in depression and denial. My sleeping habits changed, I found myself not wanting to eat though my stomach screamed at me for food. And I found myself exercising hard.

I started becoming a but unhealthy, but I told myself I was fine. Denial isn't the only river in Egypt.

For about another week, I dropped 15 pounds and my mother honestly thought I was on drugs. Though the only drugs that entered me were Midol, maybe some THC, and ecstasy, but that's it.

After talking to Riku, I decided for myself to confront Olette and clear the air. I wanted her to tell me she hated me, or to tell me in her eyes, we are only friends. Either way, it would ease my internal suffering and displeasure.

So one day, I did talk to her. We hammered it all out. Yes there was tears and sadness but in the end, I got over it quickly. Now we are close friends again.

But if I ever have a chance with her, I might take it. Though I am over it, I still can't help the little part of me that knows shes one of the ones I need in my life.

She's the one that got away. She turned me down, but at least it wasn't in a fucked up way. I am just mostly glad we can go back to the way things were. Us roleplaying yaoi and talking about our days filled with fun and news.

But I will forever think of her as the one that got away, though she never left. And thats the way it ought to be...

For now anyways.

**END OF STORY **

_A/N: I think I will turn this into a series of random moments... Not just of love, but of friendships, trials and dreams. Thank you those who noted me and those who became good friends._

_NII-SAMA! If you are reading this, I am sorry but this is us... please don't text me and be like 'thats not me you bitch' Come on, its totally us! ILU Nii-sama!! 3_


	3. Peace!

HEY GUYS!

I'm sorry about this... but I do not have a computer yet.. it is becoming really bad. I am sorry, but i have been working on my stories. In fact, I finished MBFCL and TSOD.

I also am halfway through the Zexion Lexaeus fic. I have it written down. I will add all my stories updates on my new website .com

I did draw Trios Surrgart for those who wanted to see how I have him pictured, though it is about a year old drawing... Please enjoy and have a glorious time.

~Luxord-perv


	4. Contemplation

**Chapter 3: Contemplation**

What is 'Love'? How many types of love does one feel? How is it defined in a dictionary? There are many types of love people feel, and they run deep, deeper than any abyss, and longer than any infinite lines. That is, only healthy love. Fights come, disagreements go, but in the end, is it not the comforting sensation of the person who sits next to another with an undying flame for their lover, be it man and man, woman and woman, and man and woman?

In the dictionary, love is described as, "Love- noun: Attraction based on sexual desire: the strong affection and tenderness felt by lovers."

Love, it truly is a complicated concept. It is so complicated it can induce physical and mental stress, complications that seem to never heal. This 'love' resides in the hearts of even the most emotionless person.

Of course, that is the idea of it.

Hello, I am Kairi. I am 17 and feel as though I do not have a heart. The last two years seem to have shattered and tore my heart into ash. The ash flows in the wind and away from life and from me. Women who love men claim that they never find the 'right one' and sometimes turn to women for the reason that they do not want to be hurt again.

It is not that simple. It is hard for a girl like me, to find a girl that will not toy with my emotions. I go by one standard rule of love, and it is "be faithful and never tell a lie." It is not very spectacular and romantic, but it worked for me.

Here is my sad tale of why 'Love' is not an option for me anymore.

After having my heart broken by the sweetest, beautiful, and funny girl, I found another girl.

My, my, she came in the most unexpected place, an online IM. We met and she just pulled me in. I was drawn to her like a line on paper. That night, we talked for what seemed to be forever. We talked about anything and everything. Though we are far apart, I always felt as though she was there, holding me, and whispering sweet words in my ears. I imagined the day I could see her and let her hold me for real. I wished for her to say I love you and I wanted to see it, with my own eyes. Eyes do not tell lies, for they are the gateway into someones' soul where the fabrications do not reside.

How marvelous it would be to have my dream become reality. But, it all died within and instant. 8 months from the day we met, I broke up with her over a misunderstanding. I felt the reason we went on a break was her subtly telling me that her burning flame died out for me, after saying that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

After breaking up with her, I found my own angel. She will always be my angel, for better or for worse.

This tenshi of mine gave me the best month of my life. I was never worried, and I never felt like she did not love me. She was perfect in every way and in everything she does. But alas, Eros did not want me to be hit with his golden arrows. He took away my world and my very own angel from me. Maybe he was jealous, jealous that I probably found my light in this deep dark tunnel. Who knows? Obviously, he did not want her and me to be happy together, but wanted us miserable apart.

After she broke up with me, she ignored me; Blocked me and everything. The incident was tragic, but I will never fathom the reason why she did not desire me to be there for her. Sometimes I wonder, to myself, that she may have made up the whole incident just to break up with me.

There we have it, brief, but very true.

I fell for both of them. I fell so far deep, I still am digging out. But, as I climb the treacherous path to solitude, I find myself not caring and not desiring anything. I am reverting back to the person I was before I could understand Love and before I had met Namine.

I became stripped of useless common emotions, only left with 3: depression, contentment, and extreme anger. I never really saw myself as an extremely violent person, because I am not. Anger only comes when someone breaks my wall and pisses me off.

And this anger I feel, it scares me half to death myself. But, this is what I get for believing there is someone out there that actually wants me.

I am told by all my friends, Hayner, Pence, Axel, Xigbar and Luxord, that I am very talented and a very humble, giving person. I have been told by my best friend Xigbar, that I am romantic and sweet. I hear all these words, but I hear them as lies.

I am not beautiful, or talented. I am not humble or giving, and I certainly am not sweet. I see myself how others outside my box see me: I am fat, lazy, rude, and ugly and a devious bitch. I hate myself and everyone around me.

Well, hate does seem like a strong word, but to me words are meaningless. You can say anything, but it does not mean that it is true. "You can go ahead and dance pretty words in my face, but do not hesitate to think I will not be first to prove you a liar."

Just like the detectives who solve homicides, and the analysts to dig deep for answers, it all has to be backed up with actions.

Each girl told me they loved me, and each had gone and twisted and burned my heart. Now, evaluate. What does that show me? It shows that actions define your character and your eyes never hide the true words.

My heart is as cold as ice, and is blacker than deep space. I do not think it will warm to just any girl or guy out there. The next lover that befalls me and thinks, "I want her." They must work hard, show no deceit, and believe in this idea of 'love'. If I see there person working hard for my love and heart, then maybe, just maybe I would open up a bit more.

I sat for hours evaluating my flaws and everything that could have possibly went wrong in my relationships, and I just thought that I am worth nothing, NANIMO, to anyone. I would rather live my life kind of like a yaoi manga, but in Yuri form. Like the mangas that have the secretly gay teacher or business CEO that ends up paying for a host for one night then going back to work the next day like nothing even happened, but always think about that one host until they both get together and be happy.

That is my fan girl for you. I never really saw myself the type of girl that likes cute things and happy endings. I felt like I am one of those girls who is a hopeless romantic looking for a life partner, be it man or woman that could let me be their shining prince who will never hurt them. I wanted to be the chick that someone could be proud of. I wanted to be the girl that is down to earth and never disobeys commands.

Yeah, I am a slave type of girl. My best friend even knows that if given an option I will say no, but if I am commanded to do something, it WILL be done. I can not help it, I hate to disappoint those I care about and I do not want to lose them.

But, I guess, that dream is all over now. All I can really do now is just accomplish my goals of being a successful writer (or artist) and live my life in isolation. Maybe in a wooded area with many beautiful plants I can take care of, or by a beach in Destiny Islands and stare out into the sky fantasizing about new plots for stories, or painting and sculpting my emotions.

It most likely will not happen. If not, I can always become a lawyer or politician. But then again, I hate the spotlight. I hate people looking at me. I hate people watching me. I hate people judging me. It has been like that all my life, and I do not want it anymore.

Is it mere fact, or am I just a crazy loon who thrived in pessimism? Who knows? I sure do not. I have been told and lectured on how I act and why I am who I am, and quite frankly, I feel like they think I am a total IDIOT.

I know why I do things without giving a proper explanation and I understand that I am a broken soul with many deep black secrets. I accept it.

I accept that I am broken mentally, physically and spiritually. I accept that if I am in solitude to not let anyone in. I accept that I am stubborn and in many ways, very ignorant. I accept that if I am alone I am happier than if I was around people. I am very used to being left alone and being forsaken by people. I mean, I am always a pessimist and I am always dark, who would want to be around me too?

The only person who has not left me is my best friend in the whole world, Negai. She is so sweet and beautiful.. I know everything there is to know about her. I can read her like an open book from 60 miles away blocked by a really big fat man with a chocolate stain on his shirt. She is going out with my brother Hito, in fact, I pushed them together. I do not trust any other guy with her heart but my brother. At least, he can make her happy. That is all I want for my best friend.

I guess that is why I do not want to love. I am tired of getting hurt. Yeah. But at least I understand how I am now.

So, how do I move on from here? Well, I am moving with my mother to Destiny Islands to be away from her and this whole mess. It is a fresh start in a new setting, with a new school and possibly, a new life. I know I should not run away from my problems because they will come back to haunt me, but, I will handle it when it gets to that point later on.

Right now, I am a beast without a beauty to free me from this curse. I am a frog who will never be kissed. I am and Ice cube stuck in the freezing snow. I am a homeless, loveless mutt whom no one can ever love.

But for some strange reason, I like it that way.

Am I weird for that?

Hmm.

November 17, 2009.

I take it back. Maybe you're only and idiot if you like too much. I have a bad habit of falling for girls far away. Yeah, I am stupid. Not ignorant, but just plain stupidity. I have not learned from my mistakes, that makes me really stupid. I CAN NOT learn. Therefore, I am stupid. It is simple logic, right? I hate it when people always say "its comlicated" or "it's not that easy", hell, I have even caught myself saying that. It's not that its hard, or that its complicated, its that there is no courage around for someone to say what is meant to be said, or do what is meant to be done. I know I fall victim to Stupidity's evil traps.

Still, I feel the same as before. I do NOT want to fall in love. I want to be the beast without a beauty, to be the caterpillar that never turns into a butterfly. I am stuck within my past and moving forward scares me. Who knows, maybe in time I will come to not be afraid. I am not sure, maybe I am just.... _MENTAL_.


End file.
